How I learned To ‘Grow a Pair’

by Jennifer Zmurchyk – Prairie Sky Wellness

Growing a pair’ is hard work!

I ordered the most awesome shirt shown above from a beautiful soul; Dana at Joy PSA. I came across a YouTube video of someone wearing this shirt and I KNEW I had to have one because over the last few years I’ve been working really hard on growing a pair. Please visit Dana’s website here at where you can purchase printable pieces of her amazing work, and the best part is that the proceeds go towards her mission to spread love and joy in the world.

“The dreams you seed have a funny way of sprouting up into being”

Dana at Joy PSA

This shirt got me thinking about what it means to grow a pair and how I have been working on this in my own life. Now, I do not profess to be an Angel. Though I have made many steps to become a better person, I am still far away from being Angelic.

In the spring of 2016 I made the firm decision to take my health into my own hands and began the fight of my life. I started the long battle against a serious mental illness that had almost taken my life several times. I have Type 1 Bipolar Disorder, and though I was first diagnosed in 2011 with the official diagnosis coming in 2015 when I had a full psychiatric evaluation (see my article here), I had been exhibiting Bipolar symptoms since about the age of fourteen.

I am in my mid forties now, so that’s three decades of being seriously mentally ill. I didn’t even know until recently what it felt like to be a somewhat normal person, in fact before I was diagnosed I didn’t even realize anything was wrong with me. I assumed everyone lived that way.

The ‘Tower’ Moment

One of the major events that changed things was a huge tower moment in life which involved hitting rock bottom. A lightning bolt from the Big Guy in the Sky which was a huge wake up call that I needed to get my life in order pronto and that the old tower I had built for myself needed to come crashing down. I had been making some very bad decisions, and this tower moment from God led me to get down on my knees to pray and beg for help.

I remember that day well. Praying and heaving with emotions and sorrow, crying to spirit for help. My life had been a false tower built on a shoddy foundation that needed to be destroyed so a new life could be built from the ashes of the old.

And that is the day I began to ‘Grow A Pair

At the risk of starting a debate about religion, I now have a very close relationship with Jesus and God. I do not go to church and my relationship with God is very personal, however that does not in any way mean that I am against organized religion. The path to spirit is varied for all people, but the destination is the same.

“The kingdom of God does not come with observation; nor will they say, ‘See here!’ or ‘See there!’ For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you

Luke 17:20-21

So what has happened in my life to help me ‘grow my pair’? What types of changes have I made?


Back when I was at my sickest with Bipolar symptoms, I had a poor me victim mentality. Everything in my life I saw as bad and I couldn’t see past the negativity and things I felt were lacking. This changed when I realized that I had so many good things in my life.

I actually had abundance in spades. A nice home with cheap rent, two amazing kids, lots of healthy food in the fridge, a Jeep in my driveway, and the best part? I was regaining my mental health. I am very wealthy in life and I have an abundance of joy, happiness, and love around me. I no longer see any lack and every day I am very grateful for all that I have.

Getting rid of stuff and simplifying my life

I had read somewhere that in order to allow new things to come into our life it is important to get rid of the old to make room for it. I had so much stuff that had been gathered over the decades. Stuff that I didn’t use that was taking up space and tying up energy. Creating mess and clutter. It’s funny because now I realize how much stress the coveted stuff I had was giving me because it required a lot of organization and space for storage, but for what purpose? Just so it could sit there collecting dust?

So I went through my entire home and all of my belongings and whatever I no longer used or needed that I couldn’t donate or recycle I threw out. And the stress and weight caused from all of that stuff lifted. Many of these old things also had bad memories attached and getting rid of it all was very healing. Clearing things from my life also included finding the courage to weed out the toxic people around me, which was difficult because many of those toxic people came in the form of close friends and family.

Practicing self love

Another major step towards growing my pair and regaining my mental health was to learn the art of practicing self love. We are all beautiful divine beings with soul and purpose, so I realized how disrespectful it was to God to treat myself like I was a turd.

It was blasphemy against spirit to act towards myself in any way that was less than honoring the beautiful person I am.

Respecting other people and practicing non judgement

“Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31)

Now if there is a more simple way to put things than Luke 6:31, I don’t know what it is. Part of me growing a pair was learning not to judge or be critical of other people. We all do this, it is so difficult not to. However, I began to understand that anytime I was being judgemental and pointing the finger at someone else, whatever I saw in them that I didn’t like was actually something inside of me that I didn’t like.

I learned that before pointing the finger at another person, I first need to point that finger at myself. This process of not judging other people is still a work in progress as it takes a lot of mindfulness to catch myself in the act of judging or being critical of another person. Sometimes it is very difficult to look in the mirror at my own shadows and what I still need to change.

Praying every day for guidance

None of us are perfect. We are all spiritual beings here on this earth having a human experience. Sometimes we need help. Sometimes we need guidance. Every time I have an issue or problem in life I now turn to God for assistance. And guess what? Anytime I have asked spirit for help and guidance with honesty and a clean heart it has come.

Prayer has been a game changer in my life. I wish I had known how well it worked before this point in my life because it sure could have helped me in the past. The help I receive however isn’t in the form of God intervening and suddenly there are lollipops and unicorns around me or a winning lottery ticket.

The guidance I get shows me where I need to make improvements or gives solutions to the problems I have. God doesn’t do everything for me, but lovingly indicates where I need to pull up my sleeves and get to work. Some of these things I get guidance to do are very hard, but spirit has never steered me in the wrong direction.

I could continue to go on at great length about all of the changes in life that have led me to begin growing my wings. I am not finished by any means, I’m still a fledgeling at this game. Life is a continuous journey of self growth if we choose to take up the challenge.

Again, I thank Dana from Joy PSA for her amazing work and the inspiration that her shirt gave me.

Do you crochet? Please visit my free crochet patterns page for original patterns designed by me. Or if you are interested in purchasing any of my hand made crochet creations, check out my Etsy Shop.

Prairie Sky Wellness

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